Rollercoaster

Kadang bahagia sekali, kadang sedih sekali. My life is like a rollercoaster. Itu yg dikatakan Melinda, temanku dari Oz. Kalo dipikir-pikir, hidupku ternyata juga pernah seperti itu. Abis buka-buka blogku yg lama dan baca apa yg pernah terjadi, perasaan itu datang kembali, senang dan sedih. Aku tulis lagi di bawah ini dua entry blog Yahoo yg udah lama ku hapus. Dua-duanya ku tulis pada hari Selasa, sama-sama mengenai kebangkitan setelah kegagalan, dan sama-sama terkait dengan hal akademis. Aneh nggak? Nggak juga hehehe....

ooOoo

Tuesday August 29, 2006 - 08:25pm

Two Lessons

It's the finest line
A missed opportunity or the perfect time
You must not despair
You'll recognise it when you're there
...
So understand
Hard as it seems
There is a time and place for you to have your dreams
Though here and now may not be
The time and place for you and me

("Time and Place", Mike & The Mechanics)

I used to be a completely different person in terms of handling failure. Failing to achieve something, I would be shocked, my tearful face on my knees. For me, everything should have worked well. Failure was the last thing that I wanted to happen to me on planet Earth. But that was then, now I’m better at managing my feelings whenever it does happen to me.

Let’s go back to the year of 2000, the first time I applied for a scholarship for further study. I sent the application form and other documents to Ausaid in Jakarta a few weeks before the deadline, but one day before this deadline a rumor was spread in my workplace. It said my application form was withdrawn by my institution because my research proposal was of low quality. It was a big shock to me, and then came the tears, depression, etc., etc. I felt the whole world hated me. Two months later I found that the rumor wasn’t true as I got an invitation to an interview from Ausaid. Lesson number one: Don’t trust what people say unless they give you a strong proof.

During the interview, two academics asked me some questions to evaluate whether I deserved a scholarship or not. Having very limited skills in such an interaction, I gave them inappropriate answers most of the time. My answers were silly, really. After the interview, I went home very disappointed. I knew I wouldn’t get that scholarship. Then came the tears, depression, etc., etc., again and again and again until one day (!!!)…one day my sister and her husband came to visit me and we talked about scholarship stuff. My brother-in-law told me he had applied for lots of scholarships for overseas study, but never succeeded in getting one. He looked very relaxed when talking about his failure, laughing at it. Wow, what an attitude! If he could, then I could, too. Lesson number two: It depends on how you see failure, as something depressing or something that prompts another attempt.

As predicted, I failed to get the scholarship in early 2001. I was very disappointed when I received the letter that read “we regret to inform you blah blah blah”, but on the same day I could gain my confidence back and said firmly that I would try to apply for another one the following year. It was a missed opportunity. It was not the time for me to get it…yet! I was certain the perfect time would come. And that perfect time turned out to come two years later, in 2003.

So, if you fail, learn from my mistakes, or better still, read the wonderful words in this webpage: http://www.des.emory.edu/mfp/OnFailingG.html.

Wish you lots of luck in everything....

ooOoo

Tuesday May 15, 2007 - 10:28am

There's always a reason

I thought I was strong. I wasn’t.

Last year I submitted proposals to some conference committees in North America and was very optimistic about it. When notifications about the status of my proposals arrived in my inbox to inform me that they were not accepted for presentation in the conferences, it was great disappointment for me. It hurt so much. I didn’t get it: the theme of these conferences was relevant to my thesis, and I hoped to attend them to meet scholars working in the same area as I did so that I could improve the thesis I was writing. And my proposals were rejected!

I began to lose interest in my research and withdrew from social life. For about five months I did virtually nothing. Well, I managed to write one page or two of a draft chapter, and also presented a paper at a conference in Adelaide in November, but that was all. During the five months, I was asking myself the same question again and again: why did this happen to me? I thought it was very, very unfair. I had wanted to go to North America for so long, and thanks to the rejection of my proposals now my wish would never be granted.

Fortunately, this changed when 2006 ended and the new year came. In January some other committees sent me notifications containing good news, boosting my self-confidence and spirits. I continued writing my thesis and could finish four chapters in relatively short time. Then I left for Greece to attend a conference…


…and for Singapore to attend another conference…


…and next month I’m also heading for…well, I can’t tell you. I’ll let you know when I return from this trip.

The trip to Greece was particularly impressive (I’ll write about it in another entry). I was glad I had the chance to visit the archaeological sites in this country. Amazing! Looking back, now I know a very good reason why the American and Canadian committees rejected my proposals: so that I didn’t go to North America and went to beautiful Greece instead.

Learning this lesson, I hope I'll be a stronger person.

“Sometimes the way back is the way forward.”
(Labyrinth)